七年级英语上册幽默阅读材料

A. 初一英语幽默小故事

A
hillbilly
was
visiting
the
big
city
for
the
first
time.
Entering
an
office
building,
he
saw
a
pudgy
older
woman
step
into
a
small
room.
The
doors
closed,
lights
flashed,
and
after
a
while
the
door
slid
open
and
a
beautiful
young
model
stepped
off
the
elevator.
Blinking
in
amazement,
the
hillbilly
drawled,
"I
shouldhave
brought
my
wife!"
新发现
一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁数很大内的矮胖女容人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。
乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说：“我应该把我的老婆带来!”

B. 比较简短的英语幽默小故事，初一的适合参加英语大赛的，最好附上翻译，谢谢，急用

1. Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." A Good Boy
翻译： 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了” 好孩子 “我给了一个可怜的老太婆”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子”妈妈骄傲地说“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢“她是个卖糖果的。”

2. I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

翻译：伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问“发生了什么事” “一个男孩咬了我一口”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢 他的耳朵在我衣兜里

望采纳

C. 内容是美国式幽默或幽默的英语文章(阅读理解,短文也可)

http://www.taohai.com/cn/newsdetail.asp?id=2547
这个是老友记的剧本，里面都是美式幽默。。你可以看看～

或者
TGIF vs SHIT
a man met a blond in the elevator.
he greeted her: "T-G-I-F"
but got the reply: "S-H-I-T"
he was startled, but repeated "T-G-I-F"
again the reply was "S-H-I-T"
he was frustrated and said: "T-G-I-F, I mean Thanks God It's Friday"
the blond looked at him saying: "S-H-I-T, I mean Sorry Honey It's Thursday"

http://www.chinaunix.net/jh/33/545296.html

D. 适合七年级阅读的幽默英语小故事过去式

有一个年青人来,过年回家吃自团圆饭,因回家的路上有一段坟墓,据说常常有些很诡秘的事情发生，所以母亲特别交代要早一点回家。可是在坐公车回家途中,又遇到塞车,於是这个年青人就在车上睡著了,等他醒来时已经午夜十点多了,他看看车上没有半个人,司机也不在，而车子又缓缓在行进中,还有吵杂声,他转头看到外面就是那一段坟墓,他不禁感到一阵恐惧,不知所措，颤颤兢兢，於是就想探头出去看个明白,谁知......就见司机说:“还在睡,还不快下来推车!”

E. 速求一篇英语作文，要求七年级水平，三分钟至五分钟，并且幽默风趣，

Life Needs Humor
When we are chatting with our friends happily,suddenly if we are talking about the awkward topic,we need to do something to change this situation,what are we gonna do?The answer is using your humor to make things seem easy,and then your friends won’ take your awkward topic seriously.Humor is very important,it can adjust the atmosphere,making things work easily.Life needs humor,without humor,life would be boring.Foreign people like to make friends with humorous people,they can feel relax when they are chatting,while most Chinese people are always taking things too seriously.I like to make friends with humorous guys,they make me feel life is easy,and we should positive about life.

F. 求一篇简单初一英语幽默小短文，越短越好

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

三个，选一个！

G. 求初一上学期英语幽默小短文，要两人对话的那一种！急！！！

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl ring the whole trip.

英语幽默：士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招

由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。

然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。

又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。

2、1、 I have said it a hundred times, we need team work，always seek the best in others. The purpose of this trip , is to train our team in a real situation and to test our new members . Those deserving special praise are the little leaf and four eyes. Although new to the trade, they try hard, they have not only surpass themselves, but even the old guard here。

“说了多少回了,要团结，眼睛要看这别人的长处。这次出来，一是通过实战锻炼队伍,二是考察新人,在这里我特别要表扬的是小叶和四眼。两位虽然刚刚入道，做人啊， 不但突破了自己， 也超越了在座的前辈。

2、This century most expensive commodity is talent.

“21世纪什么最贵？人才！！！

3、An organization without discipline.

“有组织，无纪律。”

4、First my gaze toward the moon, but the moon shines on the ditch.

“我本一心向明月，奈何明月照沟渠”

Who knows me understand my needs, I’m a mystery to he who know me not .

“真是知我者谓我心忧，不知我者谓我何求啊”

5、I can’t stand you armed robber types, no technical skills what so ever.

“我最讨厌你们这些劫匪了，一点技术含量都没有。”

6、I can reliably inform you that, uncle lee is very angry. The consequences will be severe。

“我可以很负责地告诉你，黎叔很生气，后果很严重。。。”

7、I was reckless, I was reckless,never thought that girl would play me。

“大意呀，大意呀，想不到被一丫头片子玩儿了。”

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

父亲的东西

汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。

霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。

一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。

然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？”

汤姆回答说：“是的，父亲，是你的领带。”

“还有那衬衫也是我的。”

“是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。

“还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。

“是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？”

回答者： 华山不弱 - 三级 2006-3-11 09:31

http://enghumor.anyp.cn/040227092045218.aspx
有好多您自己选选吧

回答者： 狗狗语丝 - 六级 2006-3-11 10:29

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl ring the whole trip.

英语幽默：士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招

由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。

然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。

又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。

2、1、 I have said it a hundred times, we need team work，always seek the best in others. The purpose of this trip , is to train our team in a real situation and to test our new members . Those deserving special praise are the little leaf and four eyes. Although new to the trade, they try hard, they have not only surpass themselves, but even the old guard here。

“说了多少回了,要团结，眼睛要看这别人的长处。这次出来，一是通过实战锻炼队伍,二是考察新人,在这里我特别要表扬的是小叶和四眼。两位虽然刚刚入道，做人啊， 不但突破了自己， 也超越了在座的前辈。

2、This century most expensive commodity is talent.

“21世纪什么最贵？人才！！！

3、An organization without discipline.

“有组织，无纪律。”

4、First my gaze toward the moon, but the moon shines on the ditch.

“我本一心向明月，奈何明月照沟渠”

Who knows me understand my needs, I’m a mystery to he who know me not .

“真是知我者谓我心忧，不知我者谓我何求啊”

5、I can’t stand you armed robber types, no technical skills what so ever.

“我最讨厌你们这些劫匪了，一点技术含量都没有。”

6、I can reliably inform you that, uncle lee is very angry. The consequences will be severe。

“我可以很负责地告诉你，黎叔很生气，后果很严重。。。”

7、I was reckless, I was reckless,never thought that girl would play me。

“大意呀，大意呀，想不到被一丫头片子玩儿了。”

Father's Things

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"

"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.

"And that shirt's mine too."

"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.

"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.

"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"

父亲的东西

汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。

霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。

一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。

然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？”

汤姆回答说：“是的，父亲，是你的领带。”

“还有那衬衫也是我的。”

“是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。

“还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。

“是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？”

回答者： zhaiminjia - 二级 2006-3-11 15:56回答者： wk159357456 - 一级 2006-3-16 20:37

A Clever Son
My husband who was born in a big city often teased me for being a country girl.
One day he told my son that before marrying him,I lived in a remote countryside and he had to take two hours to ride on a battered bus on a stony road and then walk for an hour along a rugged trail before crossing a one-logged bridge
and a strech of sugar-cane field in order to get
to my home in the backwoods.
At this,my clever son,who always took sides with his poor mother,answered,"And so did Mummy when she wanted to go to your home."

H. 初一英语幽默故事

First Lesson
The son of a businessman had agreed to join the family business, and on his very first day at the factory his father took him on to the roof and said, "Now, my son, I am about to give you your first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof."
"On the edge, Dad?" said the puzzled youth.
"On the very edge."
"Very well, Dad," and the obedient son did as he was told.
"Now, when I say Jump!" said his father, "I want you to jump."
"But it's twenty-foot drop!"
"My boy," said the father, "you want to learn the business, don't you?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And you trust me?"
"Yes, Dad."
"Right, Then do as I say -- Jump!"
And the boy jumped, only to crash painfully to the ground twenty feet below. His father ran down the stairs to where the youth was lying, bruised, battered and winded.
"Now, my son," said the father, "you have just learned your first lesson in business -- NEVER TRUST ANYBODY!"

I. 英语3人搞笑对话短文,带翻译,7年级上册,少一点生单词。给外教老师听的

今天是母亲节，我早早起床在早上，我妈还在睡觉，我洗脸，刷牙，然后我去回厨房，我想为答我的妈妈煮鸡蛋，因为我没有做到这一点之前，我有点担心。一个半小时的工作后，我终于煮鸡蛋，就在这时，妈妈站了起来，来到厨房里，我给鸡蛋给她，说“母亲节快乐，妈妈，吃这个，身体健康。
今天是母亲节，我得到了清晨，妈妈睡觉，洗脸，刷牙，和然后去厨房，我的母亲炒鸡蛋，因为从来没有但是，我是有点紧张。半小时后，我终于完成了，因为它会发生，那就是妈妈，她来到了厨房，我的鸡蛋，她说：“母亲节快乐，妈妈，吃鸡蛋，我希望你永远健康。”

J. 初一英语幽默小短文

英语幽源默：second
language
a
mother
mouse
was
out
for
a
stroll
with
her
babies
when
she
spotted
a
cat
crouched
behind
a
bush.
she
watched
the
cat,
and
the
cat
watched
the
mice.
mother
mouse
barked
fiercely,
"woof,
woof,
woof!"
the
cat
was
so
terrified
that
it
ran
for
it's
life.
mother
mouse
turned
to
her
babies
and
said,
"now,
do
you
understand
the
value
of
a
second
language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”