九年級英語笑話閱讀理解題
九年級英語閱讀理解及答案
大量閱讀可以提高英語閱讀能力，下面是我整理的九年級(初三)閱讀理解及答案，希望能幫到大家!
九年級閱讀理解1
Mr. Lee was in bed and was trying to go to sleep when he heard the bell ring. He turned on the light and looked at his clock. It was twelve o'clock. "Who can it be at this time of night?" He thought. He decided to go and find out. So he got of bed, put on his dressing gown (浴袍) and went to the door. When he opened the door, there was nobody there. "That is very strange." Then he went back to his bedroom, took off his dressing gown, got back into bed ,turned off the light and tried to go to sleep.
A few minutes later he heard the bell again. Mr. Lee jumped out of bed very quickly and rushed to the door. He opened it, but again he found no one there. He closed the door and tried not to feel angry. Then he saw a piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up. There were some words on it : "It is now after midnight(午夜), so it is April Fool's Day (禺人節) . April fool to you!"
"Oh , it was the English boy next door!" Mr. Lee exclaimed (驚叫) and almost smiled. He went back to bed and feel asleep at once. The bell did not ring again.
1. When did Mr. Lee go to bed? He went to bed _______. A. before twelve o'clock C. when the bell rang B. after twelve o'clock D. when he saw the boy 2. Why did he rush to the door when he heard the bell ring the second time? A. He wanted to open the door for the visitor B. He wanted to find out who the visitor was. C. He was afraid of the ring
D. He was waiting for someone. 3. From this passage, we learn that we can _______ on April Fool's Day. A. say "Hello" to each other C. play jokes on each other
He thought he _________. A. was a good boy C. shouldn't ring the bell at midnight B. was friendly with him
初三(九年級)英語閱讀理解題12篇及答案解析
D. did a dangerous thing just now B. dance and sing at night D. send pressents to children 4. What did Mr. Lee think about the English boy? 參考答案 ：答案及解析：
1.A.此題是一道細節題，文章第一自然段的前三個句子就告訴了此題的答案
2.B.文中有這樣的句子「Who can it be at this time of night?」，此句說明Mr. Lee 很想知道是誰在午夜時來敲門。
3.C.此題是一道常識題，因為大家都知道在愚人節這天，人們可相互開玩笑。
4.B.英國男孩和Mr. Lee開玩笑，說明他把Mr. Lee看成朋友，所以答案是B。
九年級閱讀理解2
Babies love chocolate and sometimes they also eat the paper around it. My cat enjoys a meal of good, thick paper, old letters, for example. She does not like newspapers very much
Of course, the best paper comes from wood. Wood comes from trees, and trees are plants. Vegetables and fruit are plants, too, and we eat a lot of them. So can we also eat wood and paper? Scientists say, "All food comes in some way from plants." Well, is that true? Animals eat grass and grow fat. Then we eat their meat. Little fish eat little sea-plants, then bigger fish swim along and eat the ……Chickens eat bits of grass and give us…… Think for a minute. What food does not come from plants in some way?
Scientists can do wonderful things with plants. They can make food just like meat and cheese. And they can make it without the help of animals. It is very good food, too. Now they have begun to say, "We make our paper from wood. We can also make food from wood. The next thing is not very difficult." What is the next thing? Perhaps it is—food from paper. Scientists say, "We can turn paper into food. It will be good, cheap food, too, cheaper than meat or fish or eggs."
So please keep your old books and letters. (Don't feed [喂] your cat.) One day, they will be on your plate, if what scientists say may come true. 1. The writer asks us to keep our old books and letters because _______. A. they are useful for reading B. They may be used to feed cats C. We can make food from them soon
D. we can read them at breakfast
2. From the passage (段落)， we can infer(推斷) that _______ do not come from plants in some way. A. few kinds of food C. cheese and chicken B. meat and fish D. wood and paper
參考答案 答案及解析：
1.C.本題是細節題，答案可在倒數第一自然段找到。
2.A.文中有這樣的句子「What food does not come from plants in some way?」。說明作者認為，不管是什麼樣的食物，幾乎都來自「plants」，所以答案是A。
九年級閱讀理解 3
In England recently three foreign gentlemen came to a bus stop and waited . About five minutes later, the bus they wanted came along. They were just going to get on when suddenly there was a loud noise behind them. People rushed onto the bus and tried to push them out of the way . Someone shouted at them. The bus conctor came rushing down the stairs to see what all the trouble was about. The three foreigners seem all at sea and looked embarrassed (窘迫的 . No one had told them about the British custom (習慣)of lining up for a bus that the first person who arrives at the bus stop is the first person to get on the bus .
Learning the language of a country isn't enough. If you want to have a pleasant visit, find out as much as possible about the manners and customs of your host country. You will probably be surprised just how different they can be from your own. A visitor to India would do well to remember that people there consider it impolite to use the left hand for passing food at table. The left hand is supposed to be used for washing yourself. Also in India, you might see a man shaking his head at another to show that he doesn't agree. But in many parts of India a shake of the head means agreement. Nodding your head when you are given a drink in Bulgaria will most probably leave you thirsty .
In that country, you shake your head to mean 'yes'— a nod means 'no' . At a meal in countries on the Arabic Peninsula, you will find that your glass is repeated refilled as soon as you drink up . If you think that you have had enough , you should take the cup or glasses in your hand and give it a little shake from side to side or place your hand over the top.
In Europe it quite usual to cross your legs when you are sitting talking to someone even at an important meeting. Doing this in Thailand, however, could bring about trouble . Also, you should try to avoid (避免)touching the head of an alt (成人) ——it's just not done in Thailand .
1. The British people tried to push the three gentlemen out of the way, because the gentlemen _________ .
A. were foreigners C. made a loud noise B. didn't have tickets D. didn't line up for the bus
2. According to the article, if you want to have a pleasant journey in a foreign country, you should _________.
A. learn the language of the country B. understand the manners and customs of the country C. have enough time and money D. make friends with the people there
3. In India it is considered impolite ___________.
A. to use the right hand for passing food at table. B. to pass food with the left hand.
C. to eat food with your hands. D. to help yourself at table.
4. To cross one's legs at an important meeting in Europe is _______.
A. a common (平常的) habit
B. an important manner
C. a serious (嚴重的) trouble
D. a bad manner
5. The best title (題目) for this article is ________.
A. People's Everyday Life
B. Mind Your Manners C. Shaking and Nodding Head
D. Taking a Bus in England
參考答案 答案及解析：
1.D。這是一道句子理解題，也可以看成細節題。在第一自然段的最後，有這樣的句子： No one had told them about the British custom of lining up for a bus that the first person who arrives at a bus stop is the first person to get on the bus.從此句可知那三位先生並不知道在英國乘車的習慣，所以答案是D。
2. B。這是一道細節題。答案在第二自然段的第二個句子。
3.B。同第二題一樣，此題也是細節題。可在第二自然段直接找到答案。
4.A。單句理解題。最後一個自然段中有說：In Europe it is quite usual to cross your legs When you are sitting talking to someone even at an important meeting.這個句子的意思是：在歐洲，開會時翹二郎腿是很常見的。這說明許多人有這樣的習慣，所以答案應該是A。
5.B。通讀全文就會發現，只學習一門外語是不夠的，還要多了解該國的`風俗習慣，否則就會遇到麻煩，所以答案是B。
九年級閱讀理解 4
Tom walked into a shop . It bad a sign outside : "Second-hand (舊的) clothes bought and sold . "He was carrying an old pair of trousers and asked the owner of the shop, "How much will you give me for these?" The man looked at them and then said: "Two dollars."
"What !" said Tom. "I had guessed they were worth at least five dollars."
"No," said the man, "they aren't worth a cent more than two dollars."
"Well," said Tom, taking two dollars out of his pocket. "Here's your money. These trousers were hanging outside your shop. The list price (標價)of them was six dollars and a half. But I hought that was too much money, so I wanted to find out how much they were really worth."
Then he walked out of the shop with the pair of trousers and disappeared before the shop owner could think of anything to say .
1. At first the owner of the shop thought that Tom __________ .
A. wanted to steal the trousers B. wanted to sell the trousers C. wanted to fool him D. wanted to buy the trousers
2. The owner of the shop_______ for the old trousers .
A. would give Tom two dollars B. would pay three dollars C. would pay five dollars D. would give Tom six dollars and a half
3. The shop owner insisted that the trousers were worth only two dollars because ____ .
A. he wanted to sell them cheaply (廉價地) B. he wanted to buy them cheaply C. he didn't like the trousers D. they were old and dirty
4. In fact, the trousers _________.
A. were hanging inside the shop B. were stolen by Tom from the shop C. had been the shop owner's D. had been Tom's
5. From the story we know that _________ cheaper than the list price.
A. the owner sold the trousers two dollars B. Tom sold the trousers one dollar and a half
C. the owner bought the trousers three dollars D. Tom bought the trousers four dollars and a half
參考答案 答案及解析：
1.B.Tom拿著一條褲子並且問：「How much will you give me for these?」店主所以認為Tom是來賣褲子的，故答案是B。
2.A.此題是細節題，可在第一自然段的末尾找到答案。
3.B.店主當然想便宜地把褲子買下來。
4.C.從短文的倒數第二段可以了解到，褲子不是Tom的而是店主的。
5.D.褲子的標價是6.5美元，而Tom只給了店主2美元，所以答案應該是D。
九年級閱讀理解5
Big Ben
Big Ben is not the name of a man. It is the name of a huge(龐大的)clock in London. London is the capital of England. This clock has four faces. So，no matter where you stand，you can read the time on the face of Big Ben. Each face is the size of a double decker(層)bus. The hands are about four metres long. It is about the size of two people standing on top of each other. If you go to London，you may want to visit the Houses of Parliament(國會大廈). There you will find Big Ben sits at the top of the clock tower(塔)in the Houses of Parliament. Maybe you will hear it as well as see it. The huge clock makes such a loud noise. 「Ding dong，ding dong，」it goes every quarter of an hour.
The clock was named after a big man. He was Sir Benjamin Hall. This man did much building work in London many years ago.
1. Big Ben is ______________.
A. a double decker bus C. the name of Ben B. a huge clock D. a building
2. The clock strikes every _______ of an hour.
A. ten minutes C. thirty minutes B. fifteen minutes D. forty-five minutes
3. You can read the time of Big Ben _________.
A. at the top of the clock tower B. in the Houses of parliament C. on the hands of the huge clock D. on the four faces of the clock
參考答案
1.選B，根據第一行Big Ben is not the name of a man. It is the name of a huge(龐大的)clock in London.可以判斷Big Ben是一個大鍾的名字。
2.選B，根據文中「Ding dong，ding dong，」 it goes every quarter of an hour. 即可得知大鍾每15分鍾敲一次。
3.選D，This clock has four faces. So，no matter where you stand，you can read the time on the face of Big Ben.其他三項均不符合題意。
九年級閱讀理解6
The police do many things for us. They help keep our things and us safe. They help keep cars moving safely. They take care of people who are hurt. Then they see these people get to a doctor. The police go around town to see that everything is all right. They get around town in many ways. Some of them walk or go by car. In some big cities，some of the police ride on horses. It is strange to see these animals in the street.
As they go around town，the police help people. Sometimes they find lost children. They take the children home. If the police see a fight，they put an end to it right away. Sometimes people will ask the police how to get to a place in town. The police can always tell the people which way to go. They know all the streets and roads well.
Some police stand at crossings. They tell the cars when to go and when to stop. They make sure that the cars do not go too fast. They help children cross the street. They also help people who can't walk too well.
Without the police，our streets would not be safe. Cars might go too fast and hurt people. Lost people might never be found. The police do a good job. We need them. And we should thank them for a job well done.
根據短文內容，選擇正確答案。
1. The police do many things for us. They help keep our things and us _____.
A. warm C. quiet B. clean D. safe
2. How do some of the police get around in some big cities?
A. By taxi. C. By bus. B. On horses. D. On bikes.
3. In the text，「put an end to」 means 「____」.
A. stop C. kill B. cut D. fly
4. The text is mainly talking about the _____ of the police.
A. life B. road C. job D. day
參考答案
1.選D，根據第一段，They help keep our things and us safe.「警察可以保障我們安全」，因此選safe。
2.選B，Some of them walk or go by car. In some big cities，some of the police ride on horses.在一些大城市裡面，警察是騎馬的，因此選B。
3.選A，文中劃線部分If the police see a fight，they put an end to it right away.根據句意可以理解為stop。
4.選C，本題是總結全文的main idea，總攬全文，可以知道是在說警察的職責，因此選job。
;② 初中英語笑話短文大全
在人們的日常生活型消輪及交往當中，笑話無處不在。笑話是人類特有的能力和交際工具。我整理了初中英語笑話短文，歡迎閱讀!
初中英語笑話短文：Marriage
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her hu *** and』s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they』re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it』s the woman』s house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. 「Hello? Oh, hi. I』m so glad that you called. Really? That』s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That soundsterrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.」 She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, 「Who was that?」 「Oh」 she replies, 「That was my hu *** and telling me all about the wonderful time he』卜信s having on his fishing trip with YOU!」
初中英語笑橋凱話短文：Playing Octopus
This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.
The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.
The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.
The bartender then walks into the back room and es back five minutes later with a set ofbagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.
After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "e on now! Play it!"
The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaidpajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"
初中英語笑話短文：Talking on the Telephone
Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.
"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.
The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him.
He is listening though."Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"
初中英語笑話短文：Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
臭 鼬
「我們的地下室里有一隻臭鼬，」打電話的人對警察排程員尖叫道。「我們怎樣才能把它弄出來?」
「弄一些麵包屑，」排程員說，「從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到後院。然後將地下室的門開啟。」
一段時間後，那位居民又將電話打了回來。「你們將它弄出來了嗎?」排程員問。
「沒有，」打電話的人答道，「現在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。」
③ 找兩篇適合初中剩閱讀的英語小笑話+翻譯
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
④ 英語小笑話帶翻譯閱讀
英語小笑話帶翻譯閱讀
冷笑話是一種新興的語言現象,伴隨著網路的普及它已經滲透到了青年群體的日常生活,偶爾爆出的一兩句冷笑話能使交流氛圍變得輕松愉悅,也能展示交談者的幽默和智慧。我整理了英語小笑話帶翻譯，歡迎閱讀!
英語小笑話帶翻譯篇一
Once upon a time, in ancient China, the emperor was seriously ill. None of his esteemedphysicians could find a cure,until an ancient sage revealed that only the blood of a living Foobird could restore the imperial health.
很久很久以前在古老的`中國，皇帝病得很重，所有德高望重的御醫都沒辦法醫治，直到後來才有一位智者透露，只有活福鳥的血才能恢復皇帝的健康。
Now the Foo bird was extremely rare, almost legendary,and the greatest hunters in the landwere assigned the task of capturing a specimen-but before they left on their quest, the ancientsage warned them that if one of them were fortunate enough to catch the bird, he should onno account clean or change his clothing till he had presented his prize to the emperor.
問題是福鳥本來就很少見，幾乎只是傳說而已，於是全國各地最好的獵人都被指派進行捕捉福鳥的工作。但在他們出發之前，那名智者警告他們，要是有人有幸捉到一隻福鳥的話，無論如何在送到皇帝手中之前，絕不可以清潔或換掉身上的衣服。
The hunters scoured the empire, and after several months, the greatest of them spotted amagnificent Foo perched high in a tree. Using all his skill, the huntsman snuck up on the birdand managed to seize it by the claws, but soon the startled creature left a huge odious blobofexcrement on the hunter's shoulder.
獵人們搜遍了整個帝國，幾個月後，其中一名本領最好的獵人不經意看見了一隻福鳥棲息在一棵樹上。他用盡所有技巧偷偷接近那隻福鳥並抓住了它的腳爪，但那隻受到驚嚇的福鳥馬上在他的肩膀上拉了一大團臭氣熏人的鳥糞。
Though the stench was almost unbearable,the woodsman remembered the sage's injunctionand carried his double burden all the way back to court. By that time, the odor had onlybecome worse, and thehunter was deeply embarrassed.Finally, he felt that he could not entertheemperor's presence in such a state, and wiped the offending substance from hisshoulder.
雖然臭味難當，但獵人仍記得智者的訓示，便連同身上的鳥糞護送福鳥回宮。那時鳥糞的味道更難聞了，獵人也覺得非常尷尬。最後他覺得不能那個樣子去見皇帝，於是他把肩膀上令人作嘔的東西擦拭掉了。
Instantly, the Foo bird fell over dead, theemperor took a turn for the worse, and the hunterwas clapped in irons.And themoral of the story is: If the Foo shits,wear it!
就在那一刻福鳥便倒地身亡，皇帝的病情也更加惡化，而那名獵人則立刻被關進牢中。這個故事的寓意就是：「福鳥在你身上拉尿，你就扛著。」
英語小笑話帶翻譯篇二
我沒有把葯吃下去
A fellow who was rather slow on the uptake had been suffering from constipation, so the doctor provided him with some suppositories.
有位理解能力相當遲緩的老兄一直為便秘所苦，因此醫生給他一些利腸的栓劑。
A week later, the patient came back to tell the doctor that his condition had not improved.
一星期後病人回來告訴醫生，他的狀況尚未改進。
"I'm amazed," said the doctor. " Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed for you?"
「我覺得好奇怪，」醫生說。「你有沒有採用我開給你的葯方呢?」
"What do you think I've been doing, shoving it up my ass?"
「你以為我做什麼呢?難道要我把它們都塞進屁股里嗎?」
英語小笑話帶翻譯篇三
你說什麼?
Moe, Larry and Curly had been stranded on a desert island. They were walking alongdisconsolately when Moe happened to kick a bottle lying in the sand. The bottle broke and agenie suddenly emerged before them.
莫伊、賴利和捲毛因船觸礁擱淺而被困在一個無人荒島上，他們寂寞無助地沿岸邊走著，這時莫伊踢到沙灘上一隻瓶子，那隻瓶子破了後，突然出現一個精靈。
"Thank you. oh Masters, for releasing me from my captivity. For your kindness, please allow meto grant you each a wish. "
「謝謝你們從囚禁我的瓶子中把我放出來，我的主人。為了報答你們的恩惠，請讓我為每位實現一個願望。」
"Well, it's not too difficult to figure out what I want," said Moe. "I wish I were back home. "
「哦，我的願望很容易想出來，」莫伊說。「我希望我能回到家裡。」
No sooner had he said the words than he was back in dear old Brooklyn.
話一說完，莫伊就已在他可愛的布魯克林老家中。
"I want to be back home, too," said I Larry, and he, too, was instantly transported.
「我也想回家，」賴利說，他馬上也就被送走了。
" Gee, it's alone some here without Moe and Larry," said Curly. "I wish they were here to keepme company. "
「唉，沒有莫伊和賴利，一個人在這里真無聊，」捲毛說。「我希望他們能回到這里陪伴我。」
;⑤ [初中生的英語小笑話短文]英語小短文
笑話是我們工作學習之餘緩解壓力、舒緩情緒的重要渠道。所以，在生活中我們多講笑話喲!我整理了初中生的英語小笑話短文，歡迎閱讀!
初中生的英語小笑話短文篇一
A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of alt who had recently come to live inthe United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he askedvarious members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The classwent very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that theywere engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me thekeys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought thatthe student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shruggedhis shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher'嫌衡殲s neck and kissed him on bothcheeks.
我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國攔孝生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之後，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子、書本、鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。後來輪到一名來自義大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙。”那人看起來非常吃驚，也有點手足無措。看到這種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，於是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位義大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。
初中生的英語小笑話短文篇二
When I taught the introction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I requiredmy students to attend the university theater's current proction and write a critique. Afterviewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: The play was so real, I thought Iwas actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.
我在北達科他州立大學教戲劇入門課時，要求學生們去看學校劇團當芹沖時的演出，並寫一篇評論。看了一場極為精彩的演出後，一名學生寫道：“這部戲劇是如此逼真，以致於我認為我自己是坐在家裡的沙發上，從電視上看到的。”
初中生的英語小笑話短文篇三
An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison.
一個老人獨居在北愛爾蘭，他的獨生子正在坐牢。
The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone whowould help him plow up the garden.He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, ForHEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
老人想在花園里種些土豆，但不知道誰可以幫忙把泥土翻鬆。他寫信想兒子提及此事，兒子回信說道：“看在上帝的面上，千萬不要翻鬆花園的泥土，我把槍埋在那兒了。”
At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and g up the entire garden,but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened andasking him what to do next.His son's reply was: Just plant your potatoes.
第二天凌晨4點，一隊英國士兵出現在老人家中，在花園把土地翻遍，但並沒有找到任何槍支。”老人寫信告訴兒子這件奇怪的事情，問到底發生了什麼事情，下一步應該怎麼做。兒子回信道：“你只管種土豆好了。”
初中生的英語小笑話短文篇四
At 2 a. m. Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living-room. Tiptoedown-stairs, she told her husband, "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knowswhat's happening."Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door,his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."
半夜兩點，科爾肯太太確信聽到客廳有賊，便對丈夫說：“別開燈，躡手躡腳下樓，別讓賊發覺，悄悄靠近他。” 科爾肯先生披上外套，責無旁貸地去捉賊。剛走到卧室門口，他妻子又補充說：“回來時給我捎杯牛奶。”
⑥ 英語一道中考題，是根據首字母填空，文章有些幽默類似笑話，知道的幫我發來類似的
1、昨天夢見上帝說可滿足我一個願望我拿出地球儀說要世界和平，他說太難換一個吧，我拿出你的照片說要這人變漂亮，他沉思了一下說拿地球儀我再看看。
2、一女奇醜，嫁不出去，希望被拐賣。終於夢想成真，卻半月賣不出去。綁匪將其送回，她堅決不下車，綁匪咬牙一跺腳：走，車不要了
3、20年前爸爸抱著你等車，人都笑話孩子長得難看，爸爸哭了。一賣香蕉的老大爺拍拍爸爸說：「大兄弟別哭了，拿只香蕉給猴子吃吧！真可憐，餓的都沒毛了。」
4、飛機上，一隻鸚鵡對空姐說：「給爺來杯水」，豬也學鸚鵡，對空姐說：「給爺來杯水」，空姐大怒，將鸚鵡和豬都扔下了飛機。這時鸚鵡對豬說：「傻了吧，爺會飛。」
5、有個老農在地里鋤地，一隻烏鴉飛過，拉了泡屎掉在老農臉上，老農抬頭大罵：「靠你媽！出門也不知道穿條褲衩！」烏鴉說：「靠！你丫拉屎穿褲衩呀！」
6、話說某位女士一時興起，買了一隻母鸚鵡。沒想到帶回家裡，它說的第一句話就是：「想跟我上床嗎？」
女士一聽，心想：壞了，外人還以為這話是我教的呢， 這不把我的淑女形象全給毀了。於是她想盡辦法，想交那隻鸚鵡說些高雅的東西，可是那隻母鸚鵡算是鐵了心了，只會說一句話：「想跟我上床嗎？」
…… 怎麼辦呢？在那位女士失去主張的時候，聽說神父那兒也養了一隻鸚鵡（公的），而且那隻鸚鵡，不但不講粗話，反而是個虔誠的教徒，每天大部分時間里都在禱告。於是那位女士去找神父求助。神父明白她的來意之後，面色微難的說：「這個，很難辦呀，其實那隻鸚鵡，也並沒有刻意的教它什麼，它之所以這么虔誠，也可能是長期在此受熏陶的緣故吧。」
神父見女士很失落，便說道：「這樣吧，你把那隻鸚鵡帶到我這里來，我把它們放在一起。希望經過一段時間，你那隻鸚鵡能夠被感化。我只能做這些了，有沒有效果，就看神的旨意了……」
女士一聽，也只能這樣了，不是有句話叫：近朱者赤嗎？試試吧。於是她把鸚鵡帶到神父那裡。神父依照諾言把兩只鸚鵡放在了一起。開始母鸚鵡還有些拘謹，看那隻公鸚鵡在籠子的一角，默默的禱告，還真不忍心打擾。可是她還是管不住自己，終於朗聲說道：「想跟我上床嗎？「
公鸚鵡聽到這話，停止了禱告，轉身看了看母鸚鵡，忽然淚如雨下：「感謝上帝，我禱告這么多年的願望終於實現了……」
7、女孩子不要這樣說
一男對一女說：「我請你吃飯。」
女說：「改日吧。」
8、存錢桶
有個寡婦去買黃瓜，並囑咐不要切片，但賣黃瓜的忘記了，還是切了片，那寡婦見了，罵道：「你他媽當我是存錢桶啊？」
9、實習
一大群女生到農場實習，農場主教大家擠牛奶，示範作完，教大家動手親自試試。這時一個女生看到別人已經擠了小半筒而自己的只有一點點，非常不解。農場主過來看看說：小姐，你不但擠錯了地方，而且還選錯了牛。
10、一帥哥欲買避孕套
一帥哥欲買避孕套，不知道尺寸，服務小姐無奈下手檢查，一邊對身邊的同事說：來一盒5寸的 哦 不 7寸的...哦，天哪，快拿衛生紙。。。。。。。。
11、撞見前女友和新歡調情
影子豬剛被女友拋棄，碰巧在大街上撞見前女友和新歡調情，他越看越氣，想羞辱他們一下。於是很有禮貌上前打了個招呼，並很鄙視地對女友新歡說：「我用過的舊貨你也不嫌棄！」正當他為自己創意得意的時候，前女友卻笑出聲道：「外面一寸是舊的，裡面全是嶄新的！」
12、漏點了
下課點名，如果沒來期末成績將被扣掉50分！念到一兄弟時不知怎麼就跳了過去，於是他大喊一聲：「老師，你漏點了！」
年逾花甲的老教師低頭看看了說：「沒有啊~」
13、一個夏天，一個穿著拖鞋的小夥子，上了一輛公共汽車，他坐了下來， 翹起了二郎腿,對面坐著一位穿著超短裙的少女（未穿內褲），車開了！ ！突然！一個剎車！小夥子的腳丫插進了少女的BB里，哎！事情本來就這樣了！ 過了兩天，少女覺得自己的BB好難受，就去了醫院來到醫院，醫生一檢查驚訝的說「哇，你的BB得了腳氣，奇怪」
就在這時，門被推開了，另一位醫生 闖了進來說道：「這有什麽奇怪的，剛才有個小夥子腳上長梅毒呢！！」。
14、化裝舞會前，太太忽不適，便叫丈夫單身赴會。稍後，太太自覺好點，便換上一套丈夫從未見過的時裝，驅車也去參加舞會了。剛進門，太太便看見丈夫與其他女人打情罵俏，不禁妒火中燒，決定試探一下丈夫。她走到丈夫身旁，嬌聲媚氣，投懷送抱。最後還引誘他到後花園去，盡情風流。到了午夜，當大家將要脫下面具時，太太才悄悄離去。而她丈夫直到凌晨三時才回來。
＂舞會怎麼樣？＂太太問。＂一點也不好玩。＂丈夫答。＂你在那裡究竟幹了些什麼？＂
太太再三追問。＂老實告訴你吧，＂丈夫道，＂我到那裡時，見到幾個朋友都沒有帶妻子，於是我們幾個便在書房裡玩牌了。＂＂你整個晚上都在打牌嗎？＂太太尖叫道。＂是的，不過我把自己的服裝與面具借給了另外一個老朋友。那傢伙在舞會結束時倒是向我誇口，說這是他有生以來最美妙的一個晚上！
15、洞房之夜，新娘已脫衣服上床。
新郎也脫掉了上衣、襯衫、領帶，但是到了鞋子的地方就碰到了麻煩，
因為鞋帶解不開，愈弄愈連在一起，新娘著急他說：「真笨，那兒有小刀，用刀子割斷算了！」
新娘的母親為了要了解一切是否如意，便在隔壁房間偷聽，當聽到新娘如此說，便大叫：「不行，不可以用刀子。」她隔牆說：「告訴他，塗上一些口水，就行了。」
16、有一對夫婦，丈夫很喜歡打保齡球但也很怕老婆，老婆很愛抽煙，一天晚上，老婆發現在自己的煙抽完了，便叫丈夫去買，丈夫沒有辦法只好去買，可是已經很晚了，附近的小賣部都關門了，這可把丈夫急壞了，丈夫突然想到酒吧應該有賣煙的，於是丈夫去了，到了酒吧那個丈夫一眼就看見吧台座著一位漂亮的小姐，於是他走過前去跟那位小姐聊天，然後就一起去開房。
到了半夜，丈夫突然想到忘了給自己的太太買煙了，又怕自己的太太知道這件事後會打死他，於是他就問那位小姐有沒有滑石粉，小姐很奇怪但還是給他了，丈夫將滑石粉塗到自己的手上就回家了，剛進家門丈夫就看見老婆氣沖沖的站在那，老婆問丈夫：「你死哪去了！」
丈夫就老老實實的回答說：「路邊沒有地方賣煙，我就去酒吧了到了酒吧我看見一位漂亮的小姐，我就過去聊聊，然後我們就去開房。」
妻子聽完後對丈夫說：「把你的手伸出來！」
丈夫乖乖的伸出了手讓妻子看，妻子大怒說道：「還不說你是去跟朋友去打保齡球了！你的手怎麼回事！」
17、有對情侶到郊外投宿，旅館的老闆告訴他們請多包涵，因為電力不夠晚上經常會有停電的現象。
沒想到這對情侶不但不介意，反而認為很刺激，於是約定只要一停電，他們就親熱一次。
果然到了晚上，每隔兩小時就停一次電，幾次下來，那位男士不得不拖著疲憊的身軀找旅館老闆商量說；「老闆，我願多付點錢，但請你幫個忙，改成四小時停一次電好不好？」
旅館老闆為難的笑著說：「我是很樂意幫你忙的，可惜你來遲了一步，剛才你的女友已經多付了我錢，條件是每半小時就停一次電！」
18、胡蘿卜看見火腿腸說：哇！真有錢，穿的都是皮衣了。火腿腸：這算啥啊，你看人家香腸，穿的是真皮，我們還穿著這人造革。
19、袋鼠和青蛙去嫖雞，袋鼠三下兩下完事，只聽隔壁的青蛙整夜一二三嘿！一二三嘿！袋鼠好羨慕。次日，袋鼠說：「哇！~~蛙兄，你好棒哦！」青蛙說：「cao，老子一夜都沒跳上床！~~
20、話說有一位害羞的小男生，相中一位相貌姣好、姿態優雅的女子。羞澀的他每天偷偷地觀察她的生活，終於找出一個周期——她每星期某日必在某一麵店吃面。
他覺得時機已然成熟，於是某日便先行在麵店等她，等她進店坐定，他深深地吸了一口氣，鼓足勇氣，大步向前問她的名字。
他說：「小姐，你叫什麼？」
那小姐睜著她的大眼睛，對著他說：「我叫牛肉麵。」
21、對夫婦在舞廳里看人跳舞。丈夫感慨地說：「這個世界也真怪，那個醜八怪似的蠢漢子偏偏有個漂亮的老婆。」妻子笑了笑，說道：「親愛的，你真會拍馬屁。」
⑦ 一道英語閱讀題。the joke about doctors implies that, in the eyes of nurses, they are B .
這個閱讀理解抄，說的是從護士那聽來的一個段子。是對醫生自以為是的諷刺。
著四個選項裡面A,對新人不禮貌 B自以為是 C 值得擁有一些特權 D 午飯時間很忙
C和D是明顯不正確的。 這里只是一個笑話，笑話的內容是說醫生如何對新人不禮貌，但是問題是imply，所以應該想得更深入點，笑話裡面對新人的不禮貌說明了什麼？最後一句：On, that's God, came the reply, but sometimes he thinks he's a doctor。很好地說明了護士門看不慣醫生們的自以為是。所以選B