九年级英语笑话阅读理解题
九年级英语阅读理解及答案
大量阅读可以提高英语阅读能力，下面是我整理的九年级(初三)阅读理解及答案，希望能帮到大家!
九年级阅读理解1
Mr. Lee was in bed and was trying to go to sleep when he heard the bell ring. He turned on the light and looked at his clock. It was twelve o'clock. "Who can it be at this time of night?" He thought. He decided to go and find out. So he got of bed, put on his dressing gown (浴袍) and went to the door. When he opened the door, there was nobody there. "That is very strange." Then he went back to his bedroom, took off his dressing gown, got back into bed ,turned off the light and tried to go to sleep.
A few minutes later he heard the bell again. Mr. Lee jumped out of bed very quickly and rushed to the door. He opened it, but again he found no one there. He closed the door and tried not to feel angry. Then he saw a piece of paper on the floor. He picked it up. There were some words on it : "It is now after midnight(午夜), so it is April Fool's Day (禺人节) . April fool to you!"
"Oh , it was the English boy next door!" Mr. Lee exclaimed (惊叫) and almost smiled. He went back to bed and feel asleep at once. The bell did not ring again.
1. When did Mr. Lee go to bed? He went to bed _______. A. before twelve o'clock C. when the bell rang B. after twelve o'clock D. when he saw the boy 2. Why did he rush to the door when he heard the bell ring the second time? A. He wanted to open the door for the visitor B. He wanted to find out who the visitor was. C. He was afraid of the ring
D. He was waiting for someone. 3. From this passage, we learn that we can _______ on April Fool's Day. A. say "Hello" to each other C. play jokes on each other
He thought he _________. A. was a good boy C. shouldn't ring the bell at midnight B. was friendly with him
初三(九年级)英语阅读理解题12篇及答案解析
D. did a dangerous thing just now B. dance and sing at night D. send pressents to children 4. What did Mr. Lee think about the English boy? 参考答案 ：答案及解析：
1.A.此题是一道细节题，文章第一自然段的前三个句子就告诉了此题的答案
2.B.文中有这样的句子“Who can it be at this time of night?”，此句说明Mr. Lee 很想知道是谁在午夜时来敲门。
3.C.此题是一道常识题，因为大家都知道在愚人节这天，人们可相互开玩笑。
4.B.英国男孩和Mr. Lee开玩笑，说明他把Mr. Lee看成朋友，所以答案是B。
九年级阅读理解2
Babies love chocolate and sometimes they also eat the paper around it. My cat enjoys a meal of good, thick paper, old letters, for example. She does not like newspapers very much
Of course, the best paper comes from wood. Wood comes from trees, and trees are plants. Vegetables and fruit are plants, too, and we eat a lot of them. So can we also eat wood and paper? Scientists say, "All food comes in some way from plants." Well, is that true? Animals eat grass and grow fat. Then we eat their meat. Little fish eat little sea-plants, then bigger fish swim along and eat the ……Chickens eat bits of grass and give us…… Think for a minute. What food does not come from plants in some way?
Scientists can do wonderful things with plants. They can make food just like meat and cheese. And they can make it without the help of animals. It is very good food, too. Now they have begun to say, "We make our paper from wood. We can also make food from wood. The next thing is not very difficult." What is the next thing? Perhaps it is—food from paper. Scientists say, "We can turn paper into food. It will be good, cheap food, too, cheaper than meat or fish or eggs."
So please keep your old books and letters. (Don't feed [喂] your cat.) One day, they will be on your plate, if what scientists say may come true. 1. The writer asks us to keep our old books and letters because _______. A. they are useful for reading B. They may be used to feed cats C. We can make food from them soon
D. we can read them at breakfast
2. From the passage (段落)， we can infer(推断) that _______ do not come from plants in some way. A. few kinds of food C. cheese and chicken B. meat and fish D. wood and paper
参考答案 答案及解析：
1.C.本题是细节题，答案可在倒数第一自然段找到。
2.A.文中有这样的句子“What food does not come from plants in some way?”。说明作者认为，不管是什么样的食物，几乎都来自“plants”，所以答案是A。
九年级阅读理解 3
In England recently three foreign gentlemen came to a bus stop and waited . About five minutes later, the bus they wanted came along. They were just going to get on when suddenly there was a loud noise behind them. People rushed onto the bus and tried to push them out of the way . Someone shouted at them. The bus conctor came rushing down the stairs to see what all the trouble was about. The three foreigners seem all at sea and looked embarrassed (窘迫的 . No one had told them about the British custom (习惯)of lining up for a bus that the first person who arrives at the bus stop is the first person to get on the bus .
Learning the language of a country isn't enough. If you want to have a pleasant visit, find out as much as possible about the manners and customs of your host country. You will probably be surprised just how different they can be from your own. A visitor to India would do well to remember that people there consider it impolite to use the left hand for passing food at table. The left hand is supposed to be used for washing yourself. Also in India, you might see a man shaking his head at another to show that he doesn't agree. But in many parts of India a shake of the head means agreement. Nodding your head when you are given a drink in Bulgaria will most probably leave you thirsty .
In that country, you shake your head to mean 'yes'— a nod means 'no' . At a meal in countries on the Arabic Peninsula, you will find that your glass is repeated refilled as soon as you drink up . If you think that you have had enough , you should take the cup or glasses in your hand and give it a little shake from side to side or place your hand over the top.
In Europe it quite usual to cross your legs when you are sitting talking to someone even at an important meeting. Doing this in Thailand, however, could bring about trouble . Also, you should try to avoid (避免)touching the head of an alt (成人) ——it's just not done in Thailand .
1. The British people tried to push the three gentlemen out of the way, because the gentlemen _________ .
A. were foreigners C. made a loud noise B. didn't have tickets D. didn't line up for the bus
2. According to the article, if you want to have a pleasant journey in a foreign country, you should _________.
A. learn the language of the country B. understand the manners and customs of the country C. have enough time and money D. make friends with the people there
3. In India it is considered impolite ___________.
A. to use the right hand for passing food at table. B. to pass food with the left hand.
C. to eat food with your hands. D. to help yourself at table.
4. To cross one's legs at an important meeting in Europe is _______.
A. a common (平常的) habit
B. an important manner
C. a serious (严重的) trouble
D. a bad manner
5. The best title (题目) for this article is ________.
A. People's Everyday Life
B. Mind Your Manners C. Shaking and Nodding Head
D. Taking a Bus in England
参考答案 答案及解析：
1.D。这是一道句子理解题，也可以看成细节题。在第一自然段的最后，有这样的句子： No one had told them about the British custom of lining up for a bus that the first person who arrives at a bus stop is the first person to get on the bus.从此句可知那三位先生并不知道在英国乘车的习惯，所以答案是D。
2. B。这是一道细节题。答案在第二自然段的第二个句子。
3.B。同第二题一样，此题也是细节题。可在第二自然段直接找到答案。
4.A。单句理解题。最后一个自然段中有说：In Europe it is quite usual to cross your legs When you are sitting talking to someone even at an important meeting.这个句子的意思是：在欧洲，开会时翘二郎腿是很常见的。这说明许多人有这样的习惯，所以答案应该是A。
5.B。通读全文就会发现，只学习一门外语是不够的，还要多了解该国的`风俗习惯，否则就会遇到麻烦，所以答案是B。
九年级阅读理解 4
Tom walked into a shop . It bad a sign outside : "Second-hand (旧的) clothes bought and sold . "He was carrying an old pair of trousers and asked the owner of the shop, "How much will you give me for these?" The man looked at them and then said: "Two dollars."
"What !" said Tom. "I had guessed they were worth at least five dollars."
"No," said the man, "they aren't worth a cent more than two dollars."
"Well," said Tom, taking two dollars out of his pocket. "Here's your money. These trousers were hanging outside your shop. The list price (标价)of them was six dollars and a half. But I hought that was too much money, so I wanted to find out how much they were really worth."
Then he walked out of the shop with the pair of trousers and disappeared before the shop owner could think of anything to say .
1. At first the owner of the shop thought that Tom __________ .
A. wanted to steal the trousers B. wanted to sell the trousers C. wanted to fool him D. wanted to buy the trousers
2. The owner of the shop_______ for the old trousers .
A. would give Tom two dollars B. would pay three dollars C. would pay five dollars D. would give Tom six dollars and a half
3. The shop owner insisted that the trousers were worth only two dollars because ____ .
A. he wanted to sell them cheaply (廉价地) B. he wanted to buy them cheaply C. he didn't like the trousers D. they were old and dirty
4. In fact, the trousers _________.
A. were hanging inside the shop B. were stolen by Tom from the shop C. had been the shop owner's D. had been Tom's
5. From the story we know that _________ cheaper than the list price.
A. the owner sold the trousers two dollars B. Tom sold the trousers one dollar and a half
C. the owner bought the trousers three dollars D. Tom bought the trousers four dollars and a half
参考答案 答案及解析：
1.B.Tom拿着一条裤子并且问：“How much will you give me for these?”店主所以认为Tom是来卖裤子的，故答案是B。
2.A.此题是细节题，可在第一自然段的末尾找到答案。
3.B.店主当然想便宜地把裤子买下来。
4.C.从短文的倒数第二段可以了解到，裤子不是Tom的而是店主的。
5.D.裤子的标价是6.5美元，而Tom只给了店主2美元，所以答案应该是D。
九年级阅读理解5
Big Ben
Big Ben is not the name of a man. It is the name of a huge(庞大的)clock in London. London is the capital of England. This clock has four faces. So，no matter where you stand，you can read the time on the face of Big Ben. Each face is the size of a double decker(层)bus. The hands are about four metres long. It is about the size of two people standing on top of each other. If you go to London，you may want to visit the Houses of Parliament(国会大厦). There you will find Big Ben sits at the top of the clock tower(塔)in the Houses of Parliament. Maybe you will hear it as well as see it. The huge clock makes such a loud noise. “Ding dong，ding dong，”it goes every quarter of an hour.
The clock was named after a big man. He was Sir Benjamin Hall. This man did much building work in London many years ago.
1. Big Ben is ______________.
A. a double decker bus C. the name of Ben B. a huge clock D. a building
2. The clock strikes every _______ of an hour.
A. ten minutes C. thirty minutes B. fifteen minutes D. forty-five minutes
3. You can read the time of Big Ben _________.
A. at the top of the clock tower B. in the Houses of parliament C. on the hands of the huge clock D. on the four faces of the clock
参考答案
1.选B，根据第一行Big Ben is not the name of a man. It is the name of a huge(庞大的)clock in London.可以判断Big Ben是一个大钟的名字。
2.选B，根据文中“Ding dong，ding dong，” it goes every quarter of an hour. 即可得知大钟每15分钟敲一次。
3.选D，This clock has four faces. So，no matter where you stand，you can read the time on the face of Big Ben.其他三项均不符合题意。
九年级阅读理解6
The police do many things for us. They help keep our things and us safe. They help keep cars moving safely. They take care of people who are hurt. Then they see these people get to a doctor. The police go around town to see that everything is all right. They get around town in many ways. Some of them walk or go by car. In some big cities，some of the police ride on horses. It is strange to see these animals in the street.
As they go around town，the police help people. Sometimes they find lost children. They take the children home. If the police see a fight，they put an end to it right away. Sometimes people will ask the police how to get to a place in town. The police can always tell the people which way to go. They know all the streets and roads well.
Some police stand at crossings. They tell the cars when to go and when to stop. They make sure that the cars do not go too fast. They help children cross the street. They also help people who can't walk too well.
Without the police，our streets would not be safe. Cars might go too fast and hurt people. Lost people might never be found. The police do a good job. We need them. And we should thank them for a job well done.
根据短文内容，选择正确答案。
1. The police do many things for us. They help keep our things and us _____.
A. warm C. quiet B. clean D. safe
2. How do some of the police get around in some big cities?
A. By taxi. C. By bus. B. On horses. D. On bikes.
3. In the text，“put an end to” means “____”.
A. stop C. kill B. cut D. fly
4. The text is mainly talking about the _____ of the police.
A. life B. road C. job D. day
参考答案
1.选D，根据第一段，They help keep our things and us safe.“警察可以保障我们安全”，因此选safe。
2.选B，Some of them walk or go by car. In some big cities，some of the police ride on horses.在一些大城市里面，警察是骑马的，因此选B。
3.选A，文中划线部分If the police see a fight，they put an end to it right away.根据句意可以理解为stop。
4.选C，本题是总结全文的main idea，总揽全文，可以知道是在说警察的职责，因此选job。
;② 初中英语笑话短文大全
在人们的日常生活型消轮及交往当中，笑话无处不在。笑话是人类特有的能力和交际工具。我整理了初中英语笑话短文，欢迎阅读!
初中英语笑话短文：Marriage
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her hu *** and’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That soundsterrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “That was my hu *** and telling me all about the wonderful time he’卜信s having on his fishing trip with YOU!”
初中英语笑桥凯话短文：Playing Octopus
This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.
The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.
The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.
The bartender then walks into the back room and es back five minutes later with a set ofbagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.
After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "e on now! Play it!"
The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaidpajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"
初中英语笑话短文：Talking on the Telephone
Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.
"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.
The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him.
He is listening though."Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"
初中英语笑话短文：Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
臭 鼬
“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察排程员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来?”
“弄一些面包屑，”排程员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门开启。”
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗?”排程员问。
“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”
③ 找两篇适合初中剩阅读的英语小笑话+翻译
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
④ 英语小笑话带翻译阅读
英语小笑话带翻译阅读
冷笑话是一种新兴的语言现象,伴随着网络的普及它已经渗透到了青年群体的日常生活,偶尔爆出的一两句冷笑话能使交流氛围变得轻松愉悦,也能展示交谈者的幽默和智慧。我整理了英语小笑话带翻译，欢迎阅读!
英语小笑话带翻译篇一
Once upon a time, in ancient China, the emperor was seriously ill. None of his esteemedphysicians could find a cure,until an ancient sage revealed that only the blood of a living Foobird could restore the imperial health.
很久很久以前在古老的`中国，皇帝病得很重，所有德高望重的御医都没办法医治，直到后来才有一位智者透露，只有活福鸟的血才能恢复皇帝的健康。
Now the Foo bird was extremely rare, almost legendary,and the greatest hunters in the landwere assigned the task of capturing a specimen-but before they left on their quest, the ancientsage warned them that if one of them were fortunate enough to catch the bird, he should onno account clean or change his clothing till he had presented his prize to the emperor.
问题是福鸟本来就很少见，几乎只是传说而已，于是全国各地最好的猎人都被指派进行捕捉福鸟的工作。但在他们出发之前，那名智者警告他们，要是有人有幸捉到一只福鸟的话，无论如何在送到皇帝手中之前，绝不可以清洁或换掉身上的衣服。
The hunters scoured the empire, and after several months, the greatest of them spotted amagnificent Foo perched high in a tree. Using all his skill, the huntsman snuck up on the birdand managed to seize it by the claws, but soon the startled creature left a huge odious blobofexcrement on the hunter's shoulder.
猎人们搜遍了整个帝国，几个月后，其中一名本领最好的猎人不经意看见了一只福鸟栖息在一棵树上。他用尽所有技巧偷偷接近那只福鸟并抓住了它的脚爪，但那只受到惊吓的福鸟马上在他的肩膀上拉了一大团臭气熏人的鸟粪。
Though the stench was almost unbearable,the woodsman remembered the sage's injunctionand carried his double burden all the way back to court. By that time, the odor had onlybecome worse, and thehunter was deeply embarrassed.Finally, he felt that he could not entertheemperor's presence in such a state, and wiped the offending substance from hisshoulder.
虽然臭味难当，但猎人仍记得智者的训示，便连同身上的鸟粪护送福鸟回宫。那时鸟粪的味道更难闻了，猎人也觉得非常尴尬。最后他觉得不能那个样子去见皇帝，于是他把肩膀上令人作呕的东西擦拭掉了。
Instantly, the Foo bird fell over dead, theemperor took a turn for the worse, and the hunterwas clapped in irons.And themoral of the story is: If the Foo shits,wear it!
就在那一刻福鸟便倒地身亡，皇帝的病情也更加恶化，而那名猎人则立刻被关进牢中。这个故事的寓意就是：“福鸟在你身上拉尿，你就扛着。”
英语小笑话带翻译篇二
我没有把药吃下去
A fellow who was rather slow on the uptake had been suffering from constipation, so the doctor provided him with some suppositories.
有位理解能力相当迟缓的老兄一直为便秘所苦，因此医生给他一些利肠的栓剂。
A week later, the patient came back to tell the doctor that his condition had not improved.
一星期后病人回来告诉医生，他的状况尚未改进。
"I'm amazed," said the doctor. " Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed for you?"
“我觉得好奇怪，”医生说。“你有没有采用我开给你的药方呢?”
"What do you think I've been doing, shoving it up my ass?"
“你以为我做什么呢?难道要我把它们都塞进屁股里吗?”
英语小笑话带翻译篇三
你说什么?
Moe, Larry and Curly had been stranded on a desert island. They were walking alongdisconsolately when Moe happened to kick a bottle lying in the sand. The bottle broke and agenie suddenly emerged before them.
莫伊、赖利和卷毛因船触礁搁浅而被困在一个无人荒岛上，他们寂寞无助地沿岸边走着，这时莫伊踢到沙滩上一只瓶子，那只瓶子破了后，突然出现一个精灵。
"Thank you. oh Masters, for releasing me from my captivity. For your kindness, please allow meto grant you each a wish. "
“谢谢你们从囚禁我的瓶子中把我放出来，我的主人。为了报答你们的恩惠，请让我为每位实现一个愿望。”
"Well, it's not too difficult to figure out what I want," said Moe. "I wish I were back home. "
“哦，我的愿望很容易想出来，”莫伊说。“我希望我能回到家里。”
No sooner had he said the words than he was back in dear old Brooklyn.
话一说完，莫伊就已在他可爱的布鲁克林老家中。
"I want to be back home, too," said I Larry, and he, too, was instantly transported.
“我也想回家，”赖利说，他马上也就被送走了。
" Gee, it's alone some here without Moe and Larry," said Curly. "I wish they were here to keepme company. "
“唉，没有莫伊和赖利，一个人在这里真无聊，”卷毛说。“我希望他们能回到这里陪伴我。”
;⑤ [初中生的英语小笑话短文]英语小短文
笑话是我们工作学习之余缓解压力、舒缓情绪的重要渠道。所以，在生活中我们多讲笑话哟!我整理了初中生的英语小笑话短文，欢迎阅读!
初中生的英语小笑话短文篇一
A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of alt who had recently come to live inthe United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he askedvarious members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The classwent very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that theywere engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me thekeys." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought thatthe student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the keys." The Italian shruggedhis shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher'嫌衡歼s neck and kissed him on bothcheeks.
我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国拦孝生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子、书本、钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。
初中生的英语小笑话短文篇二
When I taught the introction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I requiredmy students to attend the university theater's current proction and write a critique. Afterviewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: The play was so real, I thought Iwas actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.
我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当芹冲时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”
初中生的英语小笑话短文篇三
An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison.
一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。
The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone whowould help him plow up the garden.He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, ForHEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”
At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and g up the entire garden,but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened andasking him what to do next.His son's reply was: Just plant your potatoes.
第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。”老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发生了什么事情，下一步应该怎么做。儿子回信道：“你只管种土豆好了。”
初中生的英语小笑话短文篇四
At 2 a. m. Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living-room. Tiptoedown-stairs, she told her husband, "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knowswhat's happening."Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door,his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."
半夜两点，科尔肯太太确信听到客厅有贼，便对丈夫说：“别开灯，蹑手蹑脚下楼，别让贼发觉，悄悄靠近他。” 科尔肯先生披上外套，责无旁贷地去捉贼。刚走到卧室门口，他妻子又补充说：“回来时给我捎杯牛奶。”
⑥ 英语一道中考题，是根据首字母填空，文章有些幽默类似笑话，知道的帮我发来类似的
1、昨天梦见上帝说可满足我一个愿望我拿出地球仪说要世界和平，他说太难换一个吧，我拿出你的照片说要这人变漂亮，他沉思了一下说拿地球仪我再看看。
2、一女奇丑，嫁不出去，希望被拐卖。终于梦想成真，却半月卖不出去。绑匪将其送回，她坚决不下车，绑匪咬牙一跺脚：走，车不要了
3、20年前爸爸抱着你等车，人都笑话孩子长得难看，爸爸哭了。一卖香蕉的老大爷拍拍爸爸说：“大兄弟别哭了，拿只香蕉给猴子吃吧！真可怜，饿的都没毛了。”
4、飞机上，一只鹦鹉对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，猪也学鹦鹉，对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，空姐大怒，将鹦鹉和猪都扔下了飞机。这时鹦鹉对猪说：“傻了吧，爷会飞。”
5、有个老农在地里锄地，一只乌鸦飞过，拉了泡屎掉在老农脸上，老农抬头大骂：“靠你妈！出门也不知道穿条裤衩！”乌鸦说：“靠！你丫拉屎穿裤衩呀！”
6、话说某位女士一时兴起，买了一只母鹦鹉。没想到带回家里，它说的第一句话就是：“想跟我上床吗？”
女士一听，心想：坏了，外人还以为这话是我教的呢， 这不把我的淑女形象全给毁了。于是她想尽办法，想交那只鹦鹉说些高雅的东西，可是那只母鹦鹉算是铁了心了，只会说一句话：“想跟我上床吗？”
…… 怎么办呢？在那位女士失去主张的时候，听说神父那儿也养了一只鹦鹉（公的），而且那只鹦鹉，不但不讲粗话，反而是个虔诚的教徒，每天大部分时间里都在祷告。于是那位女士去找神父求助。神父明白她的来意之后，面色微难的说：“这个，很难办呀，其实那只鹦鹉，也并没有刻意的教它什么，它之所以这么虔诚，也可能是长期在此受熏陶的缘故吧。”
神父见女士很失落，便说道：“这样吧，你把那只鹦鹉带到我这里来，我把它们放在一起。希望经过一段时间，你那只鹦鹉能够被感化。我只能做这些了，有没有效果，就看神的旨意了……”
女士一听，也只能这样了，不是有句话叫：近朱者赤吗？试试吧。于是她把鹦鹉带到神父那里。神父依照诺言把两只鹦鹉放在了一起。开始母鹦鹉还有些拘谨，看那只公鹦鹉在笼子的一角，默默的祷告，还真不忍心打扰。可是她还是管不住自己，终于朗声说道：“想跟我上床吗？“
公鹦鹉听到这话，停止了祷告，转身看了看母鹦鹉，忽然泪如雨下：“感谢上帝，我祷告这么多年的愿望终于实现了……”
7、女孩子不要这样说
一男对一女说：“我请你吃饭。”
女说：“改日吧。”
8、存钱桶
有个寡妇去买黄瓜，并嘱咐不要切片，但卖黄瓜的忘记了，还是切了片，那寡妇见了，骂道：“你他妈当我是存钱桶啊？”
9、实习
一大群女生到农场实习，农场主教大家挤牛奶，示范作完，教大家动手亲自试试。这时一个女生看到别人已经挤了小半筒而自己的只有一点点，非常不解。农场主过来看看说：小姐，你不但挤错了地方，而且还选错了牛。
10、一帅哥欲买避孕套
一帅哥欲买避孕套，不知道尺寸，服务小姐无奈下手检查，一边对身边的同事说：来一盒5寸的 哦 不 7寸的...哦，天哪，快拿卫生纸。。。。。。。。
11、撞见前女友和新欢调情
影子猪刚被女友抛弃，碰巧在大街上撞见前女友和新欢调情，他越看越气，想羞辱他们一下。于是很有礼貌上前打了个招呼，并很鄙视地对女友新欢说：“我用过的旧货你也不嫌弃！”正当他为自己创意得意的时候，前女友却笑出声道：“外面一寸是旧的，里面全是崭新的！”
12、漏点了
下课点名，如果没来期末成绩将被扣掉50分！念到一兄弟时不知怎么就跳了过去，于是他大喊一声：“老师，你漏点了！”
年逾花甲的老教师低头看看了说：“没有啊~”
13、一个夏天，一个穿着拖鞋的小伙子，上了一辆公共汽车，他坐了下来， 翘起了二郎腿,对面坐着一位穿着超短裙的少女（未穿内裤），车开了！ ！突然！一个刹车！小伙子的脚丫插进了少女的BB里，哎！事情本来就这样了！ 过了两天，少女觉得自己的BB好难受，就去了医院来到医院，医生一检查惊讶的说“哇，你的BB得了脚气，奇怪”
就在这时，门被推开了，另一位医生 闯了进来说道：“这有什麽奇怪的，刚才有个小伙子脚上长梅毒呢！！”。
14、化装舞会前，太太忽不适，便叫丈夫单身赴会。稍后，太太自觉好点，便换上一套丈夫从未见过的时装，驱车也去参加舞会了。刚进门，太太便看见丈夫与其他女人打情骂俏，不禁妒火中烧，决定试探一下丈夫。她走到丈夫身旁，娇声媚气，投怀送抱。最后还引诱他到后花园去，尽情风流。到了午夜，当大家将要脱下面具时，太太才悄悄离去。而她丈夫直到凌晨三时才回来。
＂舞会怎么样？＂太太问。＂一点也不好玩。＂丈夫答。＂你在那里究竟干了些什么？＂
太太再三追问。＂老实告诉你吧，＂丈夫道，＂我到那里时，见到几个朋友都没有带妻子，于是我们几个便在书房里玩牌了。＂＂你整个晚上都在打牌吗？＂太太尖叫道。＂是的，不过我把自己的服装与面具借给了另外一个老朋友。那家伙在舞会结束时倒是向我夸口，说这是他有生以来最美妙的一个晚上！
15、洞房之夜，新娘已脱衣服上床。
新郎也脱掉了上衣、衬衫、领带，但是到了鞋子的地方就碰到了麻烦，
因为鞋带解不开，愈弄愈连在一起，新娘着急他说：“真笨，那儿有小刀，用刀子割断算了！”
新娘的母亲为了要了解一切是否如意，便在隔壁房间偷听，当听到新娘如此说，便大叫：“不行，不可以用刀子。”她隔墙说：“告诉他，涂上一些口水，就行了。”
16、有一对夫妇，丈夫很喜欢打保龄球但也很怕老婆，老婆很爱抽烟，一天晚上，老婆发现在自己的烟抽完了，便叫丈夫去买，丈夫没有办法只好去买，可是已经很晚了，附近的小卖部都关门了，这可把丈夫急坏了，丈夫突然想到酒吧应该有卖烟的，于是丈夫去了，到了酒吧那个丈夫一眼就看见吧台座着一位漂亮的小姐，于是他走过前去跟那位小姐聊天，然后就一起去开房。
到了半夜，丈夫突然想到忘了给自己的太太买烟了，又怕自己的太太知道这件事后会打死他，于是他就问那位小姐有没有滑石粉，小姐很奇怪但还是给他了，丈夫将滑石粉涂到自己的手上就回家了，刚进家门丈夫就看见老婆气冲冲的站在那，老婆问丈夫：“你死哪去了！”
丈夫就老老实实的回答说：“路边没有地方卖烟，我就去酒吧了到了酒吧我看见一位漂亮的小姐，我就过去聊聊，然后我们就去开房。”
妻子听完后对丈夫说：“把你的手伸出来！”
丈夫乖乖的伸出了手让妻子看，妻子大怒说道：“还不说你是去跟朋友去打保龄球了！你的手怎么回事！”
17、有对情侣到郊外投宿，旅馆的老板告诉他们请多包涵，因为电力不够晚上经常会有停电的现象。
没想到这对情侣不但不介意，反而认为很刺激，于是约定只要一停电，他们就亲热一次。
果然到了晚上，每隔两小时就停一次电，几次下来，那位男士不得不拖着疲惫的身躯找旅馆老板商量说；“老板，我愿多付点钱，但请你帮个忙，改成四小时停一次电好不好？”
旅馆老板为难的笑着说：“我是很乐意帮你忙的，可惜你来迟了一步，刚才你的女友已经多付了我钱，条件是每半小时就停一次电！”
18、胡萝卜看见火腿肠说：哇！真有钱，穿的都是皮衣了。火腿肠：这算啥啊，你看人家香肠，穿的是真皮，我们还穿着这人造革。
19、袋鼠和青蛙去嫖鸡，袋鼠三下两下完事，只听隔壁的青蛙整夜一二三嘿！一二三嘿！袋鼠好羡慕。次日，袋鼠说：“哇！~~蛙兄，你好棒哦！”青蛙说：“cao，老子一夜都没跳上床！~~
20、话说有一位害羞的小男生，相中一位相貌姣好、姿态优雅的女子。羞涩的他每天偷偷地观察她的生活，终于找出一个周期——她每星期某日必在某一面店吃面。
他觉得时机已然成熟，于是某日便先行在面店等她，等她进店坐定，他深深地吸了一口气，鼓足勇气，大步向前问她的名字。
他说：“小姐，你叫什么？”
那小姐睁着她的大眼睛，对着他说：“我叫牛肉面。”
21、对夫妇在舞厅里看人跳舞。丈夫感慨地说：“这个世界也真怪，那个丑八怪似的蠢汉子偏偏有个漂亮的老婆。”妻子笑了笑，说道：“亲爱的，你真会拍马屁。”
⑦ 一道英语阅读题。the joke about doctors implies that, in the eyes of nurses, they are B .
这个阅读理解抄，说的是从护士那听来的一个段子。是对医生自以为是的讽刺。
着四个选项里面A,对新人不礼貌 B自以为是 C 值得拥有一些特权 D 午饭时间很忙
C和D是明显不正确的。 这里只是一个笑话，笑话的内容是说医生如何对新人不礼貌，但是问题是imply，所以应该想得更深入点，笑话里面对新人的不礼貌说明了什么？最后一句：On, that's God, came the reply, but sometimes he thinks he's a doctor。很好地说明了护士门看不惯医生们的自以为是。所以选B